200 OK

First off I can’t spell maltesers, I just tried to google the word about 6 times to get the spelling right, each time google telling me to sod off. I got there in the end and have it copied to my clipboard for the rest of this post .

Anyway… I’m not sure how or when (recently) it happened but I have really developed a longing for maltesers! Even the packaging is appealing!

I think it might of been partaking in a maltesers milkshake recently which is basically chocolate milkshake with a packet of maltesers you can drop in and pickup with a straw spoon thing, argh i’m starting to want one now while i’m writing about it!

Now maltesers I think are ‘fairly’ ok to crave since I’m pretty sure they are no where near as bad for you as say a mars bar or boost but the problem I am having is the quantity I can get through. I started off small with said milkshake, then a normal packet on a couple of lunch times and now I can eat one of the big bags in one sitting and crave more! I am one step away from buying one of the huge buckets they do and saturating my self in a big malt honey comb chocolate mess!

I thought I had it bad with my thirst for diet coke but this product is slowly but surely taking over. Now i’m not a small bloke and my body cannot afford to have a maltesers addiction. Why can’t maltesers have the same nutritional value as broccoli? Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchins are very much correct when they bark on about how there is really quite honestly no fucking god.

Maltesers – they make girls get tits out: Win

Maltesers – you can do tricks with them: Win

Now i am not a great cook, my timing and measurement skills leave a lot to be desired. However there is one thing I can do and do well and that is the humble bacon sandwich!

The times this skill has saved me from many a hang over is uncountable! Here is my way of doing them, it may not be to your tastes but you should at least try it for the awesomeness.

1. Get frying pan and whack a bit of vegetable oil in it

2. Get the bacon and whack it on there, I do this right away and don’t bother heating the oil up. Now you wanna be liberal with the bacon here, like most of a pack we’re aiming for two sandwiches using four slices of bread

3. Whack the bacon on the hob and turn it right up to full. The bacon is likely stacked on top of more bacon, this is fine as it’ll be half the size in a minute or so.

4. While the bacon is heating up butter two sides of bread. The bread should be med/thick and white (rolls will do), don’t ask me why but white bread just makes it taste better. Put a thin layer of tomatoe sauce on each slice, if you don’t like tomatoe sauce then stop reading.

5. By now the bacon will need a bit of attention. Get a spatula and flip it about the pan a bit for a few minutes as it browns. Once it has lost it’s raw look you need to grab some Herbes de Provence and liberally sprinkle them on the bacon with a bit of pepper, at this point turn the heat right down. Keep turning and moving the bacon for a few minutes until it looks and smells too nice to be left in the pan. If you have done it right the pan should be pretty full of juices and whatnot (didn’t say this was the healthiest meal)

6. Get the spatula and evenly deal out the bacon onto each slice of bread, the bacon should be fairly distorted but still in somewhat of a shape. Do not cut any of the fat off, it’ll task so much better with the fat. Slap the other two bits of bread on top and eat with a cup of coffee.

Optional Extras:

I often like to fry some cherry tomatoes in the pan towards the end, seems odd with tomatoe sauce i know but its lush. Sometimes I also use a bit of chopped up garlic or onions in the pan too. You could use basil or something in place of the the Herbes de Provence but it wont taste nearly as nice.

I’m not ordering one i’m far to fat already but did get a Dominos menu in the post and decided to torture my self with what i’d get deal wise. Now this is fucking sad and after working it out I may just change my mind and bloody order one! Sometimes I am an epic nerd and this is one of those times

Its all about the area with pizza deals, you need to know this information when picking a deal I shall give you an example to work from.

Current deals:

Any pizza (large then) and garlic bread £10.99

Any pizza from the menu, get another free.

This leaves you with a dilemma, Small pizzas are normally £10.99 (the nice ones) so what deal do you go for? This could be a life changing experience and the sheer stress of making a decision could drive a lesser human entirely insane, not me… I have Google.

So I worked out the various total surface area of pizza in these two deals.

A = π  * (r²)

So the area of a circle (pizza) is PI (3.14) time the Radius (half the diameter, the diameter is the length from middle to middle) squared.

First Deal:

So a large pizza is 13.5″

So this is 3.14*(6.75*6.75) or 3.14 * 45.56

This equals: 143.07″

Second Deal:

Small pizza is 9.5″

So this is 3.14*(4.75*4.75) or 3.14 * 22.56

This equals: 70.84

However there are two pizzas in this deal so all together its: 141.68″ (70.84*2)

So:

Deal 1 wins  in this case, not only do you get more but you get a garlic bread too (which is like a mini pizza its self)!

Now the next time you fork out for stupidity over priced but nice Dominos pizza, you can get the best value for your fat greedy pizza eating faces.

Relax its maths and Dominos