Weight aint ‘Weight’

One thing I can mention is a little mission i’v been on to loose some weight, well it started out as weight loss but anyone who does it properly will soon discover ‘weight’ is a pretty misleading thing to base such an endeavour around. Its more about fat loss and muscle gain to look less like a cartman and more like a superman, actual ‘weight’ is irrelevant really but can be somewhat of a measure to keep you sailing straight especially if you start out knowing you are mainly fat with little mucle and very heavy compared to people you think are your desired size and shape.

This is where things like the BMI calculator fail since you put a body builder through the BMI calculator and he or she’ll come out ‘obese’ most of the time, which is retarded so raise ye middle finger to a ‘goal weight’ and aim to look better that’s my advice.

The problem is people ‘like’ scales because it provides order and shows ‘progress’ without which we as humans quickly loose interest if results are not tangible. If you jump on a scale and it’s 4lbs less than the last time you looked a feeling of euphoria floods your brain and a feeling of accomplishment but when it stops or shock horror goes up, its the end of the world you’re worthless and a fat scumbag again.

Benchmark your progress without scales buy clothes 2 sizes too small for you as you are now, and work to get into them. Once you reach that, do it again until you wear a size you are happy with. Lots of fitness websites bang on about fat measuring calipers and expensive underwater tests, who the fuck has the money or the time for all that? work towards clothes that don’t fit you is simple, it just requires dedication because the results are not as instantly tangible as a scale figure. No one gives a shit if you weight 100lbs or 120lbs they notice ‘how you look’ though.

Complete fanatical dedication

I’m talking islamic jihad all guns blazin say hello to my little friend victory or death! dedication. This is without a doubt the only thing that will get you where you need to be. If you give up then ye fucked, simple as that so don’t give up its really that simple. I’m not a motivational speaker and its not my job to keep you on the straight and narrow only you can do that if you want to achieve something badly enough.

Anyone who says ‘everything in moderation’ is 9 times out of 10 a preacher of something to someone who needs to make a change. For me moderation means the slippery slope to habits and choices that messed my body up in the first place. I’v taken on this challenge as a religion of sorts, i have a mantra of stuff i dont do, places i dont go etc etc… is it sustainable forever? heeeeellll no, is it working at the minute? yes, indeed.

If you approach anything with this level of deciation giving 100% then by human nature this’ll slip to about an 80% but if you take the ‘everything in moderation’ line and give it an 80% ye human nature is gonna screw you over to a 60% or even less! Thats fine if you already look like Usain Bolt and want to maintain your life, you wanna change it then you’v gotta get fanatical for a while.

This kinda dedication not only gets you where you need to be it s a corner stone of beating those feelings above of no progress, if you are not getting where you need to be then change something never ever ever ever give up, fanatical dedication is like a voice in the back of your head driving you on, never give up, ever got it?

How do you do get there

Aside from sticking at it (which is the hardest part) i’v formulated a regime that is based on what i’v learnt and what i used to do that were ‘bad’. This stuff fits for me some of it my not apply to anyone else.

• Read Read Read. Read books on healthy living and blogs, the more you read the more you will get common things between them, much the same as reading 3 news papers to get the real scoop on something. If you try and do hard things without knowledge its a sure fire way to getting absolutely nowhere.
• Don’t drink. I have a reputation, a well earned one for being a piss head. Most weekends before i started all this i’d be out on the town with my mates drinking lots and lots of lovely beer and whiskey. The problem with alcohol is it not only saps your will through hangovers to be good with food etc even worse ever sip are empty calories which stack up. So i gave up alcohol, i’v not had a single drink in over 5 months, i’v not even stepped inside a pub in that time. Again fuck moderation, alcohol is a no no.
• No cake, chocolate, chrisps, etc. Its a no brainer dont eat any of this crap, the same goes for junk food and processed crap. You are in complete control of what you put in your mouth, dont eat stuff you know full well is crap even before you’v read a book on nutrition.
• No grains or potatoes. This includes anything made from grain so bread, pasta, rice, special K will fuck you up! anything grain based just forget about it. This comes up time and time again with what i’v learnt and i wont go into the ins and outs of it because you need to discover it for your self. This leaves meat, fish, vegtables, fruit and nuts in the main boring huh? lifes a bitch get used to it .
• Exercise 3 days a week more like 5 if possible. Again read books on it but strength training is a must and long crappy cardio is a waste of time (Long distance marathon runners are not ‘fit’ put one in any other sport other than long distance running and they’ll buckle). Best cardio to do are sprints followed by rest followed by sprints, see ‘interval training’ techniques. On top of all this walk places a lot, at least 30mins walk a day.
• Don’t count calories to the extreme. Just eat when you are hungry, you try eating a tin of sardines and 2 eggs then an apple and tell me you are still hungry. If you are eating properly then you’ll struggle to overeat unless you eat a whole bag of nuts everyday of course, be aware of what you eat just don’t be clinical about it.

That’s roughly it! try the above with fanatical dedication and you’ll get there. The above is just a summary with no detail and its just what i have been doing, reading up on stuff is a must. Try the primal blueprint, The 150 Healthiest Foods on Earth those two are good at setting the scene.

I’m still getting there but after 4 months i’m making progress:

The Tesco’s extra was packed out with shoppers so we decided to use the self service machine – what a mistake.

First a little rant about this machine, its supposed to be easy? pffff, I scanned all my beer through and of course not thinking at the time, some fkin member of staff needs to come to the self service machine and check you look ’25′ and push a button before you can continue.  Ok fine we’re done it’s asking me for some cash, at this point i’m thinking this is one of the most clinical shopping experiences of my life. I love technology but I must be a bit oldschool in the back of my head.

I was actually missing some spotty chavvy teen chewing gum, or a sour faced old crow who resents the fact shes 60 an working with chavvy teens or a foreign student who smiles far to much and utters words you understand 50% of. Not stereotyping till workers of course but in my experience those are the groups that 73.7% of them fit into.

So I get my card out, my brand new shinny HSBC debit card which i’v already used in a few places. My mate Neil who’s just done the self service thing before me advises me I might need to hold my card in place as the cradle is a bit dodgy. So I do this, enter my pin….  errror wrong pin, ok I might of entered my pin in wrong, the same pin i’v used for the last 11 years, eeerrroooor, I continue and then eventually the machine says ‘Last chance…’ on the screen! like its mocking me, like i’m actually a thief trying out 9999 possible combinations so i can get my hands on a few cans of Heineken.

At this point the machine tells me my pin or chip or something has been locked and by this time a queue of people are amassing behind me, no doubt pissed off with some bloke punching number after number into a machine, I know i’d piss me off.

So in the rush my mate Neil still stood there, uses his card… which works and we get the fk out of there.

So panic sets in on the way back to the car, what’s wrong with my card? has it been locked? I need money for the rest of the week…. argh I best give HSBC a call. So stupidly but understandably not having HSBC’s number on my phone I called good olde 118118 and got a bloke called George, (George must be a popular name in Asian countries) and asked to be put though – second mistake

Good thing about HSBC is once you actually get through they are one of the few companies that most often have someone you can tell is from the UK on the other end of the phone, I’m not racist I think most people are equally rubbish but when a telephone service is concerned you’d hope for someone who shares your first language as their own first language, it kinda makes sense don’t you think?  Do you get a lot of disabled folks in wheel chairs acting as PE teachers? no, no you don’t its not practical is it!

Anyway I have a chat to this lady at HSBC and she just says it’ll probably be ok, I just need to go to any cash machine and it might ask me to reset something and I need to call again while at the machine if there are any further problems.  So as it happens we need to get some petrol which luckily has a HSBC cash machine!, I put my card in, type in my pin and what happens? success.. normally screen normal options everything normal…  So i gets me a tenner out to pay Neil back for his card aid and we jump back in the car for a night of beer, games and good times.

I swept this little episode under the mental carpet until this morning when my phone bill came through:

27 Feb 10 19:15:02 118118 All Day 00:05:25 £6.915

holy fucking titiyfucking muther son bitches! NEVER call 118 from your mobile, NEVER EVER let them put you through, you get charged through them for the call! at whats that? £1+ a minute! What if it had been a big problem with my card or I was on hold for a lot longer….  Fuck 118, i’m gonna start calling them from phone boxes drunk and giving them abuse like a 12 year old from now on.

This has more or less convinced me i need a smartphone with the interwebs on the move, it’d of avoided this horrible situation. Now if only they made one with a decent camera ugh woe is me.

So what are these things and what have I been upto this month you cry? I can hear your edge of the seat heavy breathing even now, well?! well?!!! what?!!….. Nothing exciting i’m afraid, i’v mainly been back to my old habits of being a digital whore with tv shows and computer games.

First of the bench is the game Assassin’s Creed 2

Ok so I randomly watched a review for this game and thought hey that looks freaking awesome and a great improvement over the first one.  The only problem with this was the fact that I never finished the first game and had uninstalled it from my ps3.  As a lot of people know i’m very much a sequence freak, I cannot deal with media out of sequence. I can’t miss an episode of a TV show and then just carry on next week watching the next one, skipping a season is stomach turning! heh its the same with computer games.

So of course before playing my shinny copy of Assassin’s Creed 2 I had to play through and complete the first game! It was not as repetitive as the first time I played it, perhaps my anticipation of installing the new one kept me going though the boring bits. It’s still a great game and once finished (literally) I installed the new game.

Now where the first game is a great game, Assassin’s Creed 2 is nothing short of a masterpiece of a game. I wont go into it in detail  as review sites (see below) can do that a lot better than I ever could or would want too. Needless to say this is a monumental improvement over the first and from the moment I installed it I was actually hooked. It is truly one of the best games I have played in a very long time. So how much time did this rack up? well the game tells you how long you have played and when I had completed it I had racked up a good 36hours not forgetting playing through the first game which would of been at least the same if a little less.

Reviews:

Gamespot Video Review
GameTrailers Video Review
IGN Video Review

The Shield

Now I watch a lot of American shows, Sopranos, Lost, Oz, Prison Break etc etc… But good golly miss molly have I been missing out on cop shows over the years. After discovering and devouring all five seasons on The Wire last year and loving it, my attentions have moved onto what other police based shows there are out there that i’v missed, very quickly I came across one called The Shield and once again I am hooked!

The show is basically around this fictional Los Angeles special police department and the corruption and drama and grittiness and oooo its awesome. I am only at the end of season 1 and there are 7! seasons, so i’v got my work cut out in getting through them.

I love discovering shows that have finished with such a big run of seasons because if you like the first you can generally assume you are gonna dig most of the others and the prospect of having so much good stuff to watch is great, often following a show from the outset can be disappointing if it is cancelled prematurely. I loved shows like Space above an Beyond and Invasion but they are just one season footnotes of what could of been classics.

So this has racked me up a good 11-13 hours getting though. S’ok only another 75ish episodes to go heh.

Court

So for the past two weeks I have been on Jury service. For those not in the know, if you are on the UK electoral role and between the ages of 18 and really old you may get called up for jury service, This happened to me and its pretty much a legal requirement to do it. I think I am going to save the details of my jury service to it’s own blog post as this one is getting pretty long already.  All i’ll say that it was a long and actually quite draining experience but kinda rewarding at the same time.

Of course this meant I was not at work for the best part of 2 weeks, now working where I work this isn’t really possible.  Since I manage a lot of projects and we are constantly working to deadlines I did have to work in the evenings a fair bit after my days in the court to make sure everything was still running smoothly. Vegging out with some shield or assassin’s creed 2 was about all I was up for come 7-8pm most days.

Lost

Oh lost, lovely mind fuck argh addictive omfg what’s going on Lost. I am a lost fan, if you are still into lost well done you must also be in the ranks of the obsessed if not you are one of the ‘its bollocks’ camps, lost is like Marmite. The FINAL (6th) season of Lost kicked off this week and i’m back into it like a paedophile in an orphanage.

Now you may think that this could not of taken up much time since it only just started I could only of watched a couple of hours of stuff, you’d be wrong.  I am a sado when it comes to lost, I not only watch each episode twice I look up theories on blogs for other things i didn’t spot, I have even go as far as to load up old episodes from other seasons to check-up on stuff.

Without going into a rant about how I think it’s going to end (again another blog post or several) all i’m gonna say is they better do it well. If they leave it even somewhat ‘wtf’ or up in the air i’m gonna find out where the writers live and send them some chocolate cake in a box.

I’v been hounded this weekend by the normal texts and messages to go out for which I have politely declined and just kept my head below the radar. Some might argue why can’t you just go out and not drink, or just have a couple? I have realised that this suggestion is not compatible for me when I’m in the vicinity of an alcohol serving bar.

Being wasted just makes the whole experience worthwhile, once I have about 3 pints thats the point of no return. Why would you want to go out and sit in a noisey room with tables and chairs and maybe a pool table and sit there all night drinking diet coke and chatting with people… lol people really are not that interesting (including me), their lives are generally fairly dull and in the week since you last saw them nothing much has happened. You can talk about shared interests etc but you might as well do that anywhere at anytime.

Alass getting smashed in a pub or club is in my opinion the only reason to bother with them. Yours might be different, you may love to dance all night or um.. play pool.. or try and pickup some drunken teenager like a scumbag? heh.

Its Sunday morning and I feel great, you see there is the dark side to getting smashed and thats the physical, psychological and financial implications. I normally would wake up between 12-2 after a night out and proceed to do nothing for most of the day with much joint pain, head aches and a total feeling of low self worth and general urgh. Bank statements normally show up at least £70+ spent, owing to how much I can drink and also the fact a proportion of folks in the bear and esq (where we normally end up) are flat losers who can’t afford rounds but will happily accept a drink off you.

I’m trying to figure out what i’v lost by not going out this weekend but can’t.  I chat to my friends when i’m not out drinking and most of the people I only talk to when I see them out  I honestly couldn’t give a shit about, however much I’m nice and chummy when pissed.

Methinks i’ll keep my sober ways up for as long as possible and concentrate more on other things.

Anyway… I’m not sure how or when (recently) it happened but I have really developed a longing for maltesers! Even the packaging is appealing!

I think it might of been partaking in a maltesers milkshake recently which is basically chocolate milkshake with a packet of maltesers you can drop in and pickup with a straw spoon thing, argh i’m starting to want one now while i’m writing about it!

Now maltesers I think are ‘fairly’ ok to crave since I’m pretty sure they are no where near as bad for you as say a mars bar or boost but the problem I am having is the quantity I can get through. I started off small with said milkshake, then a normal packet on a couple of lunch times and now I can eat one of the big bags in one sitting and crave more! I am one step away from buying one of the huge buckets they do and saturating my self in a big malt honey comb chocolate mess!

I thought I had it bad with my thirst for diet coke but this product is slowly but surely taking over. Now i’m not a small bloke and my body cannot afford to have a maltesers addiction. Why can’t maltesers have the same nutritional value as broccoli? Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchins are very much correct when they bark on about how there is really quite honestly no fucking god.

Maltesers – they make girls get tits out: Win

Maltesers – you can do tricks with them: Win

It is that time of year again, 365 days have past since the last time and I am now a year older. My twenties are on the downward spiral of running out and I must say it is rather strange.  As you get older I think you kind of reach a plateau where age does not seem to mean as much as it did.

For example I have a really diverse group of friends (age group wise) to those I had when I was 18-21. Back then I generally hung around with folks who were also about that age with a few exceptions of older people who in your youth you look up to some what just because they are older. Now that I am that older(ish) person I seem to know and hang out with people ranging from 20ish all the way into their 40′s and the age gap each way seems a lot more ‘ok’ then it did when I was younger. The mainstay of the people I know is still around my own age but its interesting how as you get older the line seems to blur about how you interact with people of varying ages.

I guess this is impart due to the ‘finding your self’ factor in that by your mid twenties you generally know who you are, what you like and are fairly secure and rounded as a person. You can chill with older people and not do it since they’re ‘cool’ because they’re older but because they have reached this level too and are just refining it, not making vast changes. You are on their level of maturity but still keep back a a bit of humbleness and respect for their extra years.

With younger people that you know, you can see the steady growth in them and you may well be that ‘cooler’ older person in their eyes but it is not a feeling of superiority. You see interesting stuff such as how they show signs of the paths you followed but often come up with interesting and new takes on the world that you didn’t even consider.

I am talking about normal people here, not chavvy twats etc… These people never get past the mental age of 13 because that’s where their reading age stopped.

So being my age is kinda nice, I’m still young enough to have a laugh and enjoy my self but have some years and experience behind me which really pay dividens in this shindig known as life.

Why do I not celebrate my birthday?

People get a bit dumbfounded when I tell them I don’t celebrate my birthday and it really just comes down to two key reasons really.

The lesser of these two is that I really don’t like being the center of attention. Now this may seem a bit strange because anyone who knows me knows i’m not really an introverted type (especially when drunk!) I am quite loud and often crass and it can get me in trouble at times. Its just when all the attention is directed at me in something like a birthday setting that I get uncomfortable I just don’t like people being nice and making a fuss of me en-mass.

The second and main reason is the same as why I don’t really celebrate Christmas, I don’t see the point.

See it sounds very miserable an Scrooge like when you put it like that but it couldn’t be further from the truth! I think people should value and look after the people in their life all year round. I don’t feel a need to celebrate and have a fuss made of me just to mark another 365 day cycle of when my mum had a very painful day . It is not important to me that this day of all days should mark some kind of Nick free for all.  For me it just (even if it isn’t intended) comes across as false and a way for people to release their guilt for not being a very good friend/partner/parent/whatever over the last year, no one treats you normally on your birthday its silly, there is no difference between today yesterday or tomorrow or next week…

I try to have a good time with people and make sure they are ok throughout the year, sure I don’t have time to pay everyone the attention I’d like or i do it in funny ways but I know they know if they need me i’ll be there. That is what is important really and wearing a silly hat, eating some cake and getting smashed isn’t a celebration of my life, the people in it and the day to day relationships I have with them are!

This is just my opinion on it and i’v not met many others who share it. A birthday is such a fundamental concept that’s been drummed into our heads since before we could talk that it’s hard for people to see my logic and even if they do it’s normally brushed aside as silly.

I’m fine with other people celebrating their birthday and inviting me out (please continue!) as it means something to them which is fine and i’ll have a great time with them. It’s kinda like having Christian friends who get married in a church, I’ll come along to the church and be happy and enjoy their wedding… does not mean I’m gonna find Jesus .

Thank you to all the people who called/texted/facebooked/emailed/msn’d even though they know I don’t celebrate it (hehe its that childhood brainwashing, ye cant help it) today. As I have said before just keep being my friend, talking to me, inviting me, listening to me, helping me, letting me help you, all year round and that’s the biggest pressie you could ever give me.

It has been a rather busy weekend to which a lesson has been well and truly learnt by me… alcohol is indeed evil.

Weekend started with a night out on Friday which was where the above lesson was learnt. This particular night was very busy on account of it being 4 people’s birthday, the gothy night at the bear and the rocky dj night at Esquires, so many many people were about. I like and dislike these kinda nights in equal measure, the problem always is that there are loads of people you know about which is great but you wanna have a good chat too all of them an not leave other folks out which is a real pain and you always end up seeming rude by darting off every few minutes.

On this night I drank far too much. As i’v grown older my tolerance for alcohol has reached quite a high level, i spent a good 70-80 quid and that was more or less all on drinks I drank. The problem with this kinda drunk is its brutal, like when you were a kid and a couple of ciders sent you to the moon, it was drunken but manageable and not that damaging. When it takes you about 12+ pints + whatever else then that much shit going into ye body although giving the same drunken effect is defo doing some bad stuff.

I don’t know how proper alcoholics sustain them selves, like those poor bastards that sit on benches drinking tennants all day everyday. I have one heavy night out and i’m fuckin ruined for the next couple of days. I don’t touch alcohol in the week, and i’m glad at the core of it i’m a fairly sensible chap but these binge nights… mid-twenties I think i’v earned my stripes and it may be time for focusing more on healthier pursuits.

Burlesque Night

Saturday night was the Bedford Burlesque night at the Civic Theatre. The whole thing was put together by a friend of mine and what an amazing job she did! It is a very rare and special thing when someone takes an idea and actually does something with it from concept to end result. There is so much chitter chatter ‘wouldn’t this be cool’ ‘i’d love to do that’ going around in the world today and no graft, desire or determination to follow any of it though. Emily broke this trend and with buckets of hard work laid on a fantastic night for about 200 people and is due lots of respect and admiration for managing it.

It was a great night out even though I was very broken from the night before! I did have to leave at the end secretly and skip the after show fun as I think I may of passed out (defo no more binge drinking for me).  Like the night before there were many many people to talk to and everyone was dressed up! It was slightly surreal in a way as you’re used to seeing folks in normal clothes and in certain pubs and suddenly you’re in a theatre hall and everyone you know is all stood there looking all smart.

There was such a good atmosphere going about and from walking around everyone kept saying how much of a great time they were having. The acts were great and I think I ended up ‘getting’ Burlesque dancing which my only real conceptual idea of it before going to the show was ‘birds in retro clothes getting their kit off’ which really was quite a wrong and blunt notion as there is a lot more too it than that.

All in all it was a great time and i’ll be along for the next one, I think i’ll get more in the spirit with my attire then.

Bacon, Its not evil

Last little thing I wanna say is that Bacon is great. I don’t know if i’m just the messiah of bacon sandwiches or what but I make a fuckin good one! Bacon has saved me from many a hangover and with the added accompyment of a strong cup of coffee is just awesome. I feel sorry for the Jewish and Islamic folks out there who’ll never get a chance to tuck into such a nice meal but hey… all the more piggey for the rest of us.

I’ll break this up into sections, hopefully it’ll make some sort of sense.

Note: I’v left this post for a few days due to the onset of a chest infection and crazy catchup at work!

Weather Reports Fail

So it looked like the entire festival was going to be a complete mud bath and from the start it really did begin to look that way. When we got there on Wednesday the sky opened in the night and much rain was pissed down upon us. This didn’t really effect our campsite as not many people walked through it, the village/market area of the festival however was a different story and I made the trek on Thursday morning to grab my self some wellies, nearly slipping over in the mud several times.

A strange thing happened as soon as I got back from lugging those bastards through swathes of mud, the sun came out and it hasn’t gone away since! I’m never gonna trust 5/10 day forecasts again they’re complete bollox. Now this sun in a matter of hours dried the village area out and from there on things got a little hot, I say a little hot as whatever cruel bastard runs things up there in the heavens,,, they swapped sodden mud torture for blistering heat. I wasnt joking when I said the Romero thing above, I’m rather burnt and really could pass as a fuckin Zombie if you gave me some contact lenses and a ripped shirt.

I can’t complain too much though, i’d much rather be burnt to a crisp then covered in mud! It seems the Download festival has some kinda blessing when it comes to weather.

The Campsite

Normally at these kinda events you go up with a few folks you know quite well and chill out and make chums with ya neighbours and then if they’re not cocks you chill with them too. This year was a little different. There was a convergence of many folks from in and around Bedford some who knew each other well and others who’d never met before or in passing but  all met up and camped in the same spot.

Great it was too! It was nice having that kinda meeting new people feeling but still having a shared location and background. One thing I learnt and am glad I did is that youngens are OK. You see i’m in my mid twenties now, i’v done all the crazy shit and been around the block a few times. As you get older you do seem to develop a natural dislike for people a lot younger than you, just assuming they have nothing to say or are immature etc… A fair few of our camp peeps ranged from 17-20ish age and it must be said I was shocked. Not only did they conduct them selves well they had some really interesting ideas on the life the world, music and everything, I was impressed. I think i’ll have a bit more time for youngens when i’m out drinkin in future instead of just ignoring them.

That said it was welcome to chill out with people more my own age who were in the camp too and I wanna thank Stu Chris and Dais for always being there in the next tent and just being awesome guys I’m glad i got to know ya’ll a bit better (let it carry on!) and Mr Chris for his late evenin teas and just being great and of course Dave for being Dave even thou he was camped off somewhere else .. heh.

All in all a great bunch of folks and the length of the festival was just enough time for personality clashes and irritations to not be an issue, big brother this was not.

The Bands

Funilly enough this might end up being the shortest section of this blog post. 1. since i’m writing it last and i’m bored and 2. bands and performances always tend to be such a personal thing that its not really worth going into in great detail. If you’re after a non biased opinion on the bands then you can read all the Internet reviews and watch who played on youtube.

For me the highlight had to be being really close to see the Prodigy for the first time. I’v been a fan of them since I was quite young and to get to finally see them and in such great form was epic and I’ll remember it always.

Limp Bizkit shocked me a bit. I was expecting to stand there and have a good giggle but in the end found my self really enjoying their show. I’m not a huge fan of their music but the show they put on was really full of energy and done well.

I really enjoyed Static X since i’v not really been into them for a long while and not really liked their last couple of albums but the show they put on really brought back all those memories of their old stuff and why I liked them.

All in all rather good spread of music.

The Swarm!

So we were sat down chillin waiting for Static X to come on and all of a sudden the crowd starts to do something other than cheering, more a kinda ‘ahhhhgh’ sound with the occasional girly screech (you gotta love those girly screeeches, ugh). The sky gets a bit darker so we look up….

Wasps! thousands and thousands of fucking wasps swaming just above us! Now i’v never been stung by a bee, wasp whatever… call me boring I call it playing it safe! I normally nuke those mother fuckers from a distance with whatever aerosole can I can get my hands on. In this case I was caught a bit short and instead took to the ground and pulled out the trusty pac-a-mac and covered my self with it.

After a while the swarm moved over and hovered at the front of the stage as worried festival organisers barked into their walkie talkies on stage. After about 20 minutes or so the swarm all kinda landed in a ball on this railing near the stage which you can kinda see in the photo below,  it was a very strange sight. By this time I think a lot of people had bricked it as there was a clear path to the front of the railings which we took full advantage of and with the Wasps safely tucked up in a cardboard box we watched Static X with a nice clear view of the stage.

Click to enlarge

…the wasps, we solute you.

I’v fuckin lost my phone and they stole my fuckin wallet!

Catchy heading eh? but not to do with me, My wallet was zipped up to buggery and my phone in a box in a zipped compartment in my bag!  This is a tale about my mate Chris and Pete from Bedford and emphasises the good and the evil extremes you get when you stick 70+ thousand people in a field.

When we were at the front of The Prodigy Chris’s phone fell out of his pocket in all the commotion and fell to the ground amongst a sea of pissed up crazy jumpy download festival goers. If it were me i’d of fuckin freaked out by such an event (hence why i kept mine in a a box in a bag zipped up) but when I hooked up with him after they finished he didn’t seem too shaken up.

So we went back to the front of the stage after everyone had headed off and were met by a staggered few miserable types sifting through plastic bottles and dead grass obviously looking in a vain attempt for shit they had also lost.

I decided to give his phone a call at this point not holding much hope for it ringing, never mind an answer! but an answer we got!

It seems in the brief 15-20 minute period between the Prodigy finishing someone had picked up the phone and handed it to a bloke called Ian at the lost property tent about 400 metres away! So we walk over an queue up, more miserable panic ridden types and after a bit of confusion as to who Ian was we got the phone back. The weirdest thing was that there was very little damage to it! a bit of a scratch and some mud! not to shabby for 500-1000 people at the front jumping up and down on it for the best part of an hour.

For every blind bit of luck it seems there is always a story of the not so lucky. Pete a really nice guy I got to know a bit better from Bedford had his ass pick pocketed in the crowd for another band, taking out 80 quid and just chucking his wallet next to his feet! This was after  a day or so before he had found a wallet ditched while walking through the camp site and took the time to hand it into the Police on site!

Just goes to show the world has decent,  nice people and your life can be touched by those lucky moments but then in a heartbeat some cunt dicks on you and ye lucks all but run out.

Shout out to the CC crew

The comfy crappers tent was there again and it must be said these people are true heroes. For those not in the know, the comfy crappers is like a group of sheds you can pay £2.50 to use to do your business. They’re cleaned each time and everything is just awesome. How people can use festival portaloos to crap in is beyond me i’d rather stick a coke can up my arse they go anywhere near those filth cabins. Some may say it’s hardy very rock’n'roll to pay to take a nice peaceful poop but to those people, I dont give a fucking shit (heh) as far as my health is concerned I’ll be as pussified as I like, I’m not the one who’s gonna die of some nasty disease.

The lineup isn’t my ideal one this year but I am really looking forward to seeing Killswitch Engage again and The Prodigy whom despite being one of my favorite groups of all time, I have yet to ever see live! The return of Limp Bizkit is going to be entertaining, there does seem to be a numetal revival going on at the minute, which is bizarre when you think about it… all those people into Korn, Coal Chamber etc… back in the mid-late 90′s to the early 2000′s are all much older now and must think back on such times with the same nostalgia many older music fans have for groups from the dreaded 80′s.

Everyone always goes off on a rant about the lineups at festivals and I don’t want to really start. For me, as long as there are a few bands I love, a couple I wouldent mind seeing and some surprise gems that really get me listening to them for the first time then i’m happy. Apart from Motorhead and Pendulum I don’t think there was one band last year I wanted to see, and Lethal Bizzle,,, yea he’s not the worse musician on the planet but WTF!

What I really wrote this for

I really wrote this post to share my festival checklist with ya’ll in case you need some help on what to take to a festival like Download. Crossed out ones are previous choices now disregarded.

• Tent – You need one of these unless you are hardcore or just strange
• Sleeping bag – Again pretty essential unless you like the cold
• Ear Plugs – Hardly ‘\m/ ROCK METTTALL’ I know, but if/when you do decide to sleep and the tent next door has some shit black metal blastin away you’ll feel smug
• 2x Toilet rolls - Obvious reasons o..O
• Bin Liners – Totally essential, I split mine like this, 1 food, 1 toiletries, 1 in-tent bin, 1 dirty clothes. The rest you’ll need for ya camp site etc. Buy a whole roll! do it now. 
• mini First Aid kit – Fuckit live dangerously, and if you can’t make it to the St Johns medical tent then that means ya dead or soon to be in an ambulance anyway.
• Torch – Useful, if only for the fact it saves you from all those fucking tent ropes.
• RucSack - No brainer
• Mobile - Essential social tool for meeting people and getting the best out of the festival, dont worrying about batteries they have charge points everywhere. 
• Sun screen – All day in the sun takes it toll
• Hat - I look like a cock in a hat, you feel free to take one if you like.
• Toothbrush – Makes you feel civilised and refreshed in the morning.
• Alcohol gel  - Tottaly 100% fucking essential. They cost about 30p will last you for ages and give you peace of mind and keep you free from plague.
• Soap - When push comes to shove you don’t need this, its impractial unless you have bowls and towls and ugh forget it
• Wet Wipes - Another essential item, 1 maybe 2 packs will do the job of keeping you clean with no mess or fuss.
• Tape - If your tent gets mashed, or anything for that matter gets mashed… buy a new one at the festival.
• Booze - Yes, bollocks to taking booze with you is what I say. Download has a festival village where you can buy beer and its not as expensive as you’d think. Plus you wanna remember the event, you can get royally fucked up at home when you get back. 
• Cup – No brainer
• Mess Tin - No brainer
• Lighters – The ability to start fire is always good, humans have known this for thousands of years
• Pillow – Blow up one will do
• Fags – Even if you don’t smoke you never know when they might come in handy, to give to me if i run out hah.
• Food - Yep, fuck taking food with you as well, I’m loaded and there are loads of places to buy food. I’m taking maybe a box of cereal bars and an apple or two.
• Money – Expect to spent lots of money, if you have none then don’t go.  
• Tooth Paste – works well with the brush.
• 5 Pairs Pants – 4 nights, 1 for emergencies.
• 5 Pairs Socks  - 4 nights, 1 for emergencies
• Deodorant - People who forget this are called cunts and should be executed at the gate.
• Brush – Unless you have no hair
• 2 Pairs Shorts - For wearing
• Jeans - Also for wearing, when its cold
• 4 T-shirts – go on the wed its 5 days, you should without fail buy a festival t shirt so wear that on the last. 
• Jumper – It gets cold
• Small Bottle 500ml – Fill with water when ya out an about
• Large Bottle 2.5 – 3ltr – Fill with water and keep in ya tent so you dont have to make many trips
• Towel - Waste of time
• Day Carry Bag – For phone, bottle shit like that. 
• Sun glasses - It gets sunny, plus sunglasses make everyone look badass. 
• Seat - Easily forgotten but majory essential. 
• Floor Mat - Floor gets very cold in tent
• TICKET – If you don’t take this then you’re a moron and dont deserve the fun of a music festival anyway.
• Tin/Bottle opener  - Glass is banned and you’re an idiot if you take tinned food that isnt a ring pull.
• Pain Killers – Listening to loud metal in the day and teenages screamin ‘TIMMAY’ till 6am takes its toll. 
• Torch Batteries  - Torch should last long enough without more battery’s. If it don’t buy more there. 

The above looks like a big list but its actually mainly essentials. You can get carried away with packing for something like this and end up not being able to walk. You have to remember you’v gotta lug all that shit for at least 2 hours in a queue which being June will probably be blisteringly hot. One person can easily carry all of the above pretty comforably for a long period of time and with the combination of plenty of money the above list’ll do you fine.

Anyhoo hope this post is useful to someone and i’ll see you all at the front going mental with Maxim an Keith!

Jonny got ID’d and had the added shame of having to sport an ’18′ stamp on his hand, heh I tried to take a pic of it but i failed once again due to flash.

i am sat smelling of zoe’s perfume which is rather nice.

i met my soon to be (hah) legal sister chloe who is worth of such a title for she is fantastic

lol i did get the sillyness at the end and all i’ll say is… fantastic and bless you all. Seemingly the concept of calling someone a cunt and then wanting an ‘adult’ conversation is not mutally exclusive hah i think not.

as always fb pics ftw